Thursday, November 18, 2010

Some days...

Some days I feel my blood pressure moving in a direction that is not healthy. In the midst of the everyday, the pouring coffee, the waking up sleepy children, the carpooling, the doing homework, the making dinner, the fall leaves changing colors...I feel my heart beginning to race. Some days I feel as though keeping my head above water is all I can do, and then I hate that about myself because I didn't even do that well. And then I think how pathetic it is that I cannot even keep my head above water, when there are other people in the world that are living in orphanages in Africa, that care for hundreds of children everyday, and probably do not yell nearly as much as I do. Some days I just wonder how I got to such a fragile place in life that when the Starbucks guy tells me they are out of pumpkin spice latte syrup, and that they will not get in anymore this year, that I walk away crying. Yes crying. Or I wonder how I got into such a place in life that for a brief moment I thought that if our dog knocked my son over one more time, the only reasonable solution would be to put him to sleep. I am being dead serious with you. Some days I even surprise myself with the levels of insanity I am capable of reaching.

Some days the small, little everyday changes of life are too much for me to handle. I find myself obsessively watching the leaves falling from the trees, sad because I know they will soon be bare and lifeless. There's no joy in that. There is no joy in behaving like the miser Scrooge counting his stacks of coins on his desk, and I do that too often. I may not be counting coins, but I do count the years. If a miser is someone who hoards money, then I suppose you could call me a hoarder of time. I watch my 5 year old walk into school with her backpack on and I sometimes cannot even get out of the parking lot before I am sobbing. Or there are those nights when I place my son in his crib that he is soon to outgrow, and I think to myself why is everything changing so quickly! Stop changing!

But then I wonder if that is all part of the plan. If all this changing is supposed to force us to find the One that will never change. The One that has remained the same from the beginning, and will still be the same in the end. I wonder if we were created to need something or Someone that never changes, and then intentionally placed in a world that always changes, so that we will never stop seeking and grasping for The Rock of which to place our feet firmly on...The One that promises to never change.

Amy

12 comments:

Jill said...

Girl, you're hilarious! If it makes you feel any better, almost daily I consider having my dog put to sleep and then strategically laying her in the road like she got hit by a car. You are not alone. hee-hee! On a serious note, a year ago, my mom died. My whole life she was my best friend (my pretty much only friend) and when she passed away I felt like I wouldn't survive it. Now, it's funny because I realize her death taught me a very valuable lesson: God is the only thing in my life that is "for sure." He is the only thing that won't leave, that won't let me down, that will stay the same. By the way, you still have leaves on your trees? Ours are gone. Blah!

Big Boops said...

When preggers I called the Sonic headquarters because they had discontinued a smoothie that I needed to live daily and I was so distraught. Looking back on it, I think I may have been a little bit wacko. Life does throws so much at us its hard to stay grounded with all of our good intentions. Thats why He is our rock. Now I just need to learn to rest on Him. THAT's the trick I think.

Between You and Me said...

I do all those things that you do....I just wish I could stop time b/c it's going by so fast....

my kids are growing up....I've been out of highschool now 20 years....I've been married for 14....

it's going by too fast...

thank GOD that he never...ever...ever changes!

Janine said...

Precious Amy, I love your heart and your honesty and so does the One who gave you that beautiful heart. I so identify with how you feel (I seriously wanted to shed a tear on my flight home from the US back to South Africa over the thought of "no more pumpkin spice latte's" ... but then I remembered the stash of instant ones I bulk bought from the last Starbucks before flying out - hee hee). Seriously ... He understands how you think and feel and celebrates that He chose well when He created you and hand picked you for the role you play in your family's lives. And the coolest part of your post for me tonight is that even in all the things you "feel" ... you KNOW Him ... you sense His ever present presence in your life. Sending you my BIGGEST cyber hug today. Chin up dear friend. You are in a good place ... right in His embrace xxx

Lauren said...

I love this...thank you. We can now sob together as we pull out of the school lots ~wink~. No, I really do love this post. So true! And...I love your Anthro. inspired projects in your previous post. Beautiful!

Cindy at Some Really Neat Stuff said...

I said goodbye to my last child just this past June as I left him at school several states away and then flew home only to move the next day. I know how you feel about your kids growing up and I can say it doesn't get easier. But . . . I am now freed up to serve God through serving children. My heart for kids won't go away but I can still use it to serve kids who don't have loving parents. And, I still have my own kids and they're all coming home for Christmas. Life can be hard but, God is good.

Thank you for sharing this with us. We understand.

Hautemama said...

And somedays I read a blog that makes me feel just like all the other moms out there. I often worry about some of the crazy things that I do or happen to me. You are not alone...everyone has thoughts and reactions that make us feel out of sorts. I experienced a ton of change for about 6 years and felt the world was always pulling the rug out from underneath me, but I realized that with faith I would continue to grow in my happiness and trust that everyone happens for a reason. Life CAN be hard, but God truly is GOOD.

New Every Morning said...

Yes. Some days. Sometimes I don't want to open the scrapbooks or watch the home videos because I know the lump that will form in my throat as I realize how quickly they are changing and growing. Watching my children mature and grow should be wonderful (which it is) but part of my momma heart has such a hard time letting go.

Once again you've written (so beautifully) what is nestled in my heart.

Dorothy said...

Thanks for being authentic and real; speaking from that place of emptyness and longing. Our Father will meet us.

june said...

Let's hope Starbucks gets some more Pumpkin Spice in,,,that just shouldn't be,,,this is America!!!,,,we have it till march here in Florida,,,I wish I could send some your way,,,and about the dog,,,,I'm thinking Cesar,,,from the Dog Whisperer show,, : )

Know that you are not alone,,,and a great latte would seriously help.

Laura said...

I love this lesson! The kaleidescope of life all around us forces us to reach for the real rock -- the unchanging One. Great!

Thanks for this.

Angela said...

I just found your blog and I love this post. I struggle with the same things. I know there is more God has for my life, but I can't seem to get out of this routine then I end up feeling sorry for myself for not doing what I feel called to do.

My dog is a beautiful little Bichon Frise. He's well cared for and spoiled, and he's a terror on our home. I understand you.

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