Dear Caroline,
I was thinking of you last night when I went to bed. Your Dad kept asking me why I wasn't asleep yet, and the truth was that you were on my mind. I had actually gotten off on a rabbit trail in my brain. A couple of years ago I went with a few friends on the women's retreat at church. I remember thinking the speaker was great, but honestly I cannot tell you now what her lessons were about or even what her name is. However, she told a story that I hope I never forget and last night I could not get it out of mind. There was a woman years ago in a car accident not far from our city. She was young with small children. The accident was late at night and she was somehow pinned between the two cars involved in the crash. I remember having a pit in my stomach when she began this story and even now it gives me a bit of a sickness. The woman claims that God himself was there with her and spoke to her. I am fairly certain she said she could feel Him and hear Him, but could not see Him. I wish I could remember the details of everything that she said, but there was one part of the story that I could not handle at the time and I still cannot grasp now. She told God that she wasn't ready to leave and go to heaven because she had not finished one of her child's scrapbooks. She said that as soon as she said that, God roared with laughter. ROARED. She said it was unlike any sound she had ever heard. She tried to describe it as loud, but at the same time it was soft. Big enough for the world to hear, but contained enough for just her to hear. I get a bit weak at the knees to hear such a thing, but isn't that just like God. He is big enough to speak a universe into existence, but contained enough to know you while you were in my womb. He could have the mountains with all their beauty and majesty fall to their knees in worship, but He prefers it if we would... sorry, weak, sinful us. He could have forsaken us while we were squirming in our pit of sin, but instead he died for us while were still sinners because He couldn't bear the thought of not having us in eternity with Him. Though impossible to grasp God's love, I can attempt to comprehend it when I hear that He laughs. It just makes sense to me. All of this brings me to you. You, my sweet little girl, must give our great God some reasons to smile and laugh. You make your flawed and selfish mother laugh everyday, how much more do you think your perfect Heavenly Father watching every step you make smiles and laughs with you.
You are what some might say "all girl". You are what your Aunt Mary calls "our little bag lady". I am sorry to say you often look homeless when you leave the house. You are almost always wearing a skirt and shirt that do not match, sparkly shoes or cowgirl boots, and a wide variety of hair accessories (none of which were intended to go together). I used to make you change, but I am done with those days. I love it, I get excited to see what you have put together each morning and to hear your explanation of it all (you always have an explanation). It is too precious for words. I could go on and on. You say the funniest things and you are so innocent! I just know that Jesus smiles and laughs with me often, a roaring laugh, the kind of laughter that shakes the heavens. What an awesome God we have Caroline. I know He delights in speaking over you "I have called you by name, you are mine" Isaiah 43:1.
So there is my rabbit trail. I went from car accidents, to God's laughter, to you. Is that bad? One day you will understand. For now I am grateful that that woman survived the crash for many reasons; but selfishly, I am glad she survived so that I could be assured that our God laughs with us...and sometimes at us. The bible tells us that He delights in us, but there is something about Him laughing along side of us that I delight in. I am looking forward to the time when you and I get to kneel together before our Lord and hear His laughter with our own ears. I hope you are wearing your pink sparkly shoes when we get there.
I love you Caroline,
Mom
I was thinking of you last night when I went to bed. Your Dad kept asking me why I wasn't asleep yet, and the truth was that you were on my mind. I had actually gotten off on a rabbit trail in my brain. A couple of years ago I went with a few friends on the women's retreat at church. I remember thinking the speaker was great, but honestly I cannot tell you now what her lessons were about or even what her name is. However, she told a story that I hope I never forget and last night I could not get it out of mind. There was a woman years ago in a car accident not far from our city. She was young with small children. The accident was late at night and she was somehow pinned between the two cars involved in the crash. I remember having a pit in my stomach when she began this story and even now it gives me a bit of a sickness. The woman claims that God himself was there with her and spoke to her. I am fairly certain she said she could feel Him and hear Him, but could not see Him. I wish I could remember the details of everything that she said, but there was one part of the story that I could not handle at the time and I still cannot grasp now. She told God that she wasn't ready to leave and go to heaven because she had not finished one of her child's scrapbooks. She said that as soon as she said that, God roared with laughter. ROARED. She said it was unlike any sound she had ever heard. She tried to describe it as loud, but at the same time it was soft. Big enough for the world to hear, but contained enough for just her to hear. I get a bit weak at the knees to hear such a thing, but isn't that just like God. He is big enough to speak a universe into existence, but contained enough to know you while you were in my womb. He could have the mountains with all their beauty and majesty fall to their knees in worship, but He prefers it if we would... sorry, weak, sinful us. He could have forsaken us while we were squirming in our pit of sin, but instead he died for us while were still sinners because He couldn't bear the thought of not having us in eternity with Him. Though impossible to grasp God's love, I can attempt to comprehend it when I hear that He laughs. It just makes sense to me. All of this brings me to you. You, my sweet little girl, must give our great God some reasons to smile and laugh. You make your flawed and selfish mother laugh everyday, how much more do you think your perfect Heavenly Father watching every step you make smiles and laughs with you.
You are what some might say "all girl". You are what your Aunt Mary calls "our little bag lady". I am sorry to say you often look homeless when you leave the house. You are almost always wearing a skirt and shirt that do not match, sparkly shoes or cowgirl boots, and a wide variety of hair accessories (none of which were intended to go together). I used to make you change, but I am done with those days. I love it, I get excited to see what you have put together each morning and to hear your explanation of it all (you always have an explanation). It is too precious for words. I could go on and on. You say the funniest things and you are so innocent! I just know that Jesus smiles and laughs with me often, a roaring laugh, the kind of laughter that shakes the heavens. What an awesome God we have Caroline. I know He delights in speaking over you "I have called you by name, you are mine" Isaiah 43:1.
So there is my rabbit trail. I went from car accidents, to God's laughter, to you. Is that bad? One day you will understand. For now I am grateful that that woman survived the crash for many reasons; but selfishly, I am glad she survived so that I could be assured that our God laughs with us...and sometimes at us. The bible tells us that He delights in us, but there is something about Him laughing along side of us that I delight in. I am looking forward to the time when you and I get to kneel together before our Lord and hear His laughter with our own ears. I hope you are wearing your pink sparkly shoes when we get there.
I love you Caroline,
Mom
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